When we’re young we are easily confused by what we are told and what we know in our heart is right. I was no different in my confusion, just as I was no different in my pursuit of the truth. Even now I try to hunt down answers to questions that people have already told me the answer to, and just like then I refuse to believe anything on the mere faith that someone else knows more about what is right then I do.
What is the right and wrong thing to do is something that has plagued me my entire life. When I was younger I tried to be a good person according to what I thought I was supposed to be, while still trying to remain true to who I was. I was never tardy, did my best to complete my assignments, and always stood up for my friends no matter what.
I still stick up for my friends. The only difference is now I will tell them when they’re in the wrong. I remain faithful to my friends by accepting them for who they are while never stopping being true to my own heart.
My heart is what guides my actions now just as it did then. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a smart girl and know that even the heart can lie to you sometimes. It is the nature of emotion to fail you, for emotion is irrational. That has not and will not stop me from following my gut. I was told that my intuition is my most powerful ally, and found that to be mostly true.
Thankfully intuition has always kept me away from those that would try and harm me. Unfortunately, as a child verging on adulthood, it is exceedingly easy to misinterpret the voice of your intuition with the many voices of those around you.
Teachers and other children were always trying to tell me this or that was wrong. I would always ask then as I do now one question. Why? Why is it wrong to be friends with so or so? Why must I feel sorry for this person and not that person? Why is it better to act this way and not the other?
I was a very big advocate for being who you are, even if who you are is more then a little different. I could not understand for the life of me why acting prim and proper was more acceptable then actually living. I danced in the rain and invited others to join in. I was unafraid to state my opinion to anyone and everyone, whether they wanted to hear it or not. I am still unafraid to do so.
Fear of rejection still played into my younger years. I was extremely insecure that I wasn’t good enough. This insecurity still lives within me today and it causes me to strive to do better. I am no longer blinded by this fear the way I was when I was younger.
When you’re young being rejected by your peers means isolation. It is more the isolation then the actual rejection that I feared. I was used to being called weird. It was who I was and I was proud of how different I was, I still am. I didn’t want to be alone.
Today I stand strong and proud of whom I am with an image of the person I still wish to become. I still ask why. I want to know the answers to my questions and am not afraid to state my opinion and fight for what I believe. I get a wistful smile when I see kids dancing in the rain. I still try to be a good person. I want to save the world so that the different and the broken have a chance to live their lives without the same fear of rejection that I once felt. The most important thing is that today, just like yesterday, just like 6 and 7 years ago, I am still me, and that’s all I’ve ever truly tried to be.